Saying “I’m Sorry”

Do you apologize automatically? Even when it isn’t necessary?  Some of us say, “I’m sorry,” for things we shouldn’t be sorry about. 

In our business saying you are sorry can come across as admitting guilt when wrongdoing has not been established. For instance, an angry caller explains that he left a message for George an hour ago, and he has not received a call back. Do you automatically begin by saying, “I’m sorry…”? That caller hears that you’re sorry and automatically believes that the reason George has not called him is because the answering service has done something wrong.  It is far more likely that George simply hasn’t had time to respond. 

A study published in The European Journal of Social Psychology found that when people apologize excessively others see them as less competent, and less confident. If you are in a position of responsibility or authority “I’m sorry.” can be detrimental to your reputation, and your self-image. You feel worse about yourself if you fail to help someone, and when you say you’re sorry, you are telling yourself unconsciously that YOU did something wrong.  Even when you are doing something right – you still feel you have failed to please the listener. Here is an example, your caller asks for your customer’s email address. You quickly check the account profile and do not find permission there. “I’m sorry,” you begin, “I wish I could give that to you, but…”  How much better it would be to say,” I can’t do that; but I CAN let him know you called, may I have your name please?” And go right into the phrases you use to obtain useful information. We should not feel it necessary to explain and justify when doing our job.

People who don’t express remorse maintain a greater sense of control and feel better about themselves than those who don’t, which will be recognized by others. In fact, the person making the request will hear “I’m sorry…” as an opening. To that person it will sound more like “maybe” than “no.”  A 2017 study published in Frontiers of Psychology explains that apologizing increases the recipients feeling of hurt but does not increase their feeling of forgiveness. When we apologize, we are often actually making the situation worse.

Many of us apologize when someone tries to sell us something. Our standard answer is often, “I’m sorry, I’m not interested.”   Remember, “I’m sorry” makes it sound more like, “Maybe.”  When we are approached to give to a cause, it’s okay to smile and say, “Not this time, thanks.”  But don’t say, “I’m sorry, not this time.” You have nothing to be sorry for, and no explanations are necessary. You should never feel sorry for saying “no” to things you don’t want to do, or simply can’t do, especially if the request is unsolicited, unwelcome, or unreasonable.

  

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